The Thing That Should Not Have Been
by leggylover03
Summary: A parody about Elrond taking the ring for himself, and the madness that ensues


Title: The Thing That Should Not Have Been

Summary: A parody about Elrond taking the ring for himself.

Disclaimer: I do not own them, a pity

A/N: This is a parody, not canon, AU to the extreme. I hope you can read this for the humor in it and nothing else. (Rated R)

Elrond Peredhil, had not helped Isildur destroy the ring that faithful day. No, In fact, he had asked him to throw it in and when Isildur had not, Elrond, called him weak, grabbed the ring, and pushed him over the cliff. The sound of his screams, were heard for many seconds until he splashed into the lava below. Afterwards, Elrond snickered and the one word escaped his lips, "Opps."

It had been years since that day, and Elrond had stuck by his story that poor Isildur had simply fallen. He even managed a few tears in the corners of his eyes, but no one knew it was held back laughter. Today he had sent Erestor to fetch his manicuring set, for he had heard news of Thranduil coming, and wished to look his best. As Erestor walked out into the garden, Elrond looked up. "Erestor, my dear advisor. Could you inspect my toenails and tell me your honest opinion, and while you are down there could you buff them as well?"

Erestor was grumbling something about how he hoped Thranduil kicked his ass, when Glorfindel came walking up and smacked him in the back of the head. Erestor, came up sputtering elven toenails, a look of malice on his face. Glorfindel ran past them both quickly, and headed for the stables, for now among his new duties, was the pleasure of mucking the stalls, so Elrond would be pleased. He knew he was supposed to serve his Lord, but this was getting ridiculous

Elrond was done with his pedicure and manicure, and was enjoying a stroll through Imladris. He heard elvish singing coming from the stables, and he wished to find out what Glorfindel was singing about. As Elrond walked in he hid himself, as not to alert the balrog slayer.

Elrond was alarmed when he heard it was a song about his death, by any means necessary, and when Glorfindel got to the part of the elf lord being flung into a pack of rather enthusiastic, and in heat goats he made his presence known.

The startled elf lost his grip on the pitchfork and sent a huge pile of hay and other things, to land on Elrond. The Lord of Imladris was appalled. "I have just gotten my toenails buffed!"

Glorfindel, balrog slayer, and returned from the dead was now sitting on a bench picking hay and horse drippings from his lord's hair. A thought of maiming him entered his mind, but he was a dutiful elf, and Estel was approaching too. He did not wish any witnesses.

"Ada, Why has Arwen fled to Lothlorien? Just last night I told her of my love, and we planned to get married, and now she is leaving, and speaking dwarvish curses under her breath?"

Elrond stood and motioned for Glorfindel to stop touching him. "I heard of your little plans last night and sent a dwarf to hide in her bed. It seems my daughter now thinks more clearly about her wishes for a male to be in her bed."

Arwen came out the door and stopped only inches from her Ada's face. "How could you? He sang dwarvish songs of love to me while dancing nude upon my pillow! He was covered in honey, and said he was going to call me his jewel, and enter the Mines of Arwen."

Estel's face grew redder by the second. "Where is he! He must die for these words, and actions!"

Arwen, Slung herself onto the back of her horse and glanced back down at them both. "I must go away and rid myself of these visions. You will find the dwarf buried up to his neck in the gardens behind the house. You may have to revive him, as his "jewels" are buried under your pillow Ada!" she yelled as she galloped away.

Estel was furious, and he stomped off saying he had to get away for a while. Elrond, in fact did nothing but smile. "That will teach her to be an elven wench, giving away her life's grace to a mortal. "Glorfindel, Please go and remove the dwarf's remnants of his manhood from beneath my pillow, and then get me a new one."

Glorfindel's mouth fell open and shut many times, but he left mumbling. When he got to Lord Elrond's room and lifted the pillow, he saw Arwen was true to her word, but as he stood there holding the items in his hand, he thought anything was better than this, even death. Flinging the dwarf's remains to the floor he jumped from the window, hoping death would come swiftly.

Elrond sat back that fair afternoon and felt good. He had rid Arwen of Estel, and he had rode off to the rangers. Glorfindel it seemed had died from a fall, Elrond only hoped he finished his task before he fell, and now he was going to enjoy a nice cup of tea that Erestor had made. Who knew that taking the ring from Isildur all those years ago would be so profitable. He was so happy he did not even let the sight of Thranduil coming over the hill spoil it.

As Thranduil neared him Elrond stood. "Well, hello Thranduil, so nice of you to come all this way to bring me your treasures. You know I could have sent Erestor to pick them up, or the twins."

"Look you miserable excuse for an elf. I have not come to give you my jewels, gold or anything else in my possession. I came to kick your ass!"

Elrond had no time to think before Thranduil had slapped him hard across the face. "How dare you?" Elrond slapped Thranduil back and soon it was as if two she elves were going at it. No punches had been thrown, for Valar forbid Elrond should break a nail. He did however get an evil gleam in his eye, and he saw Thranduil take a step back.

"Touch my hair and die Peredhil!"

"That sounded like a threat Thranduil?"

"I can assure you it was!" That was all it took for Elrond, as he grabbed a handful of hair and began yanking on it.

Thranduil slapped him hard across the face, and sent the elf lord reeling backward, but then Thranduil found himself blown by some mysterious wind, sending him falling down on his ass. Erestor had been watching it all from the kitchen window. What had become of valor, of lordship, or anything resembling a manly fight? This was more like two drunken she elves vying for the last bottle of mulberry wine. Erestor did cringe as he saw Thranduil kick his Lord Elrond below the belt.

"You forget I am half elven you shall have to aim lower than that," he snickered. All decorum was now gone. This was not two lords fighting anymore, but two deranged individuals. Elrond grabbed Thranduil's hair and came up with two fistfuls and a big cheesy grin, only to be met by Thranduil's left boot lower to the groin, bringing him to his knees.

As Elrond laid on the ground Thranduil scavenged through his pockets, and pulled out everything in them. He found the ring that the elf lord had taken from Isildur, and grinned. "So you too have trinkets which you hold dear. Here you are always speaking of being high and mighty, and I am the one holding down the realm with no help at all."

Elrond stood up brushing the leaves from his torn robes. "I am the one with dignity! It was not I who ran through the streets of Gondor, in my wives' under garments yelling how you wished to show Ecthelion your kingly gift. Your wife was shamed and died , her last vision, your manliness laid upon the plate of the Steward of Gondor during the peace talks with Rohan."

Thranduil was doing a perfect impression of a fish out of water, his mouth gaping open, when a smile faded the look of horror. "Yes, I did succumb to the evils of too much wine, but was it not you who then slathered it with the jam?"

"How was I supposed to know first thing in the morning you were going to throw your stuff in his plate?"

Thranduil answered the question with another slap and soon it was a bitch slapping contest, that no one had ever seen before or would again. Erestor grew weary of watching them quarrel and knew he would have to clean up anything they destroyed anyway. He slowly walked out of the house, but by now the fight had turned ugly. Everyone in Imladris seemed to be watching as Thranduil tried to bash Lord Elrond's head on the rock, while Elrond bit his leg.

It was not pretty; and by the time Erestor reached them, they were covered in bruises and were rolling around the ground in nothing more than tattered rags, clothes having been ripped to shreds. Erestor wasted no time in snatching the ring from Thranduil's hand, and he took off running toward the house with it.

They seemed to snap out of the trance instantly, and Elrond found himself pinned to the ground by Thranduil's leg over his neck. "Could you please stand up and remove yourself from my neck?" he wheezed out.

Thranduil did stand, and Elrond wished immediately he hadn't. The sight from where he laid was not one he wished to ever see again, and years later he would name his miniature horse Piddy in remembrance of it.

Thranduil walked away with as much grace as one could with half a robe on, and one boot. He received several whistles by the she elves, and one by a man visiting from Dale. Mounting his horse again, Thranduil for once was glad his wife had passed on. She had wanted many children, and Thranduil knew after the long ride back to Mirkwood with his ass hanging free in the wind he would not be producing anymore. With one of many jolts to come to his nether regions he was off, back to Mirkwood.

Elrond shook the leaves from his hair, and pulled his robe around to cover himself. How would he explain the bite marks on his neck to his sons. No matter how many witnesses, it just did not seem right to tell them King Thranduil had bitten his neck. He wondered again why Glorfindel was not around, and then thought of his demise, and what had brought him to do it. Wanting to never sleep on that bed again, he turned to walk the other way. He would have Estel's bed moved into his room.

The ring was gone as Erestor had pawned it off on the creature with pleading eyes. He had called Erestor master, and Erestor had caved. He was glad Imladris was back to normal, but now he wondered just who is was he gave it to, and where he was headed. Erestor did not bother to wonder any longer, he had many tasks to perform, one of which was finding some clothes for the half naked elf lord standing in his doorway. Maybe, he thought Glorfindel had a good idea, but he got up to do the task, when the squeals from the she elves became too much.

The life of an elf lord is usually very dull, but two naked ones fighting is a treat for all. 


End file.
